Sparkle & Shine
Stepping Stones & Big Leaps
By Joan Bender

As a little girl, I loved playing by the creek in my back yard. One of my favorite activities was to try to step from one exposed rock to another without getting my feet wet. Each day the creek flowed differently, so each day, different rocks were exposed. Some days, the rocks were dry, and it was easy to get traction, and other days, they were wet and slippery. Some rocks were rounded requiring greater balance, while others provided a flat surface to stand on with ease. Some days, the rocks were close together, and other days, they were far apart, and I would have to take big leaps from one rock to the other. Some days, the water would be low, and there would be many stepping stones to choose from and other days, the current would be so high that I could only sit at the side of the creek and watch the water flow over the rocks. This is how I spent many days for years, and I think it was not only good for my physical agility, but for having a metaphor of how to move through life.

I see each day as a series of stepping stones where we navigate the waters, and step from stone to stone, moving along through the day, and then go back to our "home base.” The next day, we set out to do the same. The water may be flowing a little differently, and we may need to choose different stones to step on from the previous day. Then there are the days when the current is high, and the stones we were planning on stepping to aren't available to us, and we have to choose different stones. This may require us to take big leaps. Big leaps are exciting. We stand on the edge and assess what is required of us to get to the next stepping stone. Fear and self doubt come in. Will we make it or will we fall in, and get all wet? Once we feel ready, we take our big leap. The act of making the leap is invigorating. There is a little adrenaline rush, and when we successfully land on our stepping stone, we experience a sense of euphoria and accomplishment. When we miss our landing, that adrenaline rush helps us to get back up, and try again. 

Have you been wanting to take big leaps, and create changes in your life? Do you get held back by self-doubt, fear or not knowing what direction to take? Often, people see where they are, and they have an idea of where they want to be, but they get caught up in how to get there, because they are trying to leap from one side of the creek to the other without leaping to the stepping stones in between.  If you are feeling stuck, stop to look at the stones before you, and choose the one that is in reach.
 
 

Sparkle and Shine
Sitting With Fear
Written by Joan Bender
Fear, we all experience it from time to time, and some experience it daily or multiple times a day. Some experience it so frequently that their bodies don't fully recover from it before the next sensation of fear comes along. It freezes us. It makes us run. It makes us stand up and fight. Some experience it as anxiety or depression or a "mood disorder." At the root of all of those labels is fear, and a nervous system that has been activated to protect us, and keep us safe from danger. Sometimes the danger is real, and sometimes it is perceived, and coming from somewhere inside of us. Many people write about tackling fears, pushing past them, taking them by reigns or calming them, and rising above them. Today, I'm going to suggest sitting with them.

What do I mean when I say sitting with fear? The Psychologist, Carl Jung, suggested that we all have a shadow. He described the shadow as the part of ourselves that is hidden from us, and is not an integrated part of us. It is hidden, because it is a part of ourselves that is hard to see, and we often fear what we can’t see or what is unknown. Our shadow side often shows up in our dreams, and calls to us to look at some part of ourselves that we are trying to avoid. These dreams often feel scary to the dreamer and the dreamer runs, freezes, fights or wakes up startled.

I’ve been working with my dreams and on integrating with my shadow side for many years. Recently, I had a dream where my shadow appeared. In this dream, I reached out to grab the shadow in a playful way, and the shadow ran from me. I proceeded to chat with the shadow and engage with it. The shadow was confused, because I wasn't afraid of it. It kept trying to scare me, and it wasn't working. When I awoke, I wrote my dream down in my journal, and at later time, had a conversation with my shadow. This conversation brought great insights on how to interact with myself and the world. I’ve been doing a lot of work over the past few years with regard to understanding fear, how it holds us back, and in particular, its impact on me. What came to me as I worked on this dream, is that I am befriending my shadow, and not letting it instill fear in me.

Fear isn't always a bad thing. It is there to protect us and keep us safe. We do however, have to find ways to sit with our fears, and understand them, so that we can be discerning, and understand the messages that are coming through to us. Next time you experience a sense of fear, find a quiet place to sit. Ask fear why it has chosen this moment to visit with you, and see what insights come into your awareness. 

Sparkle and Shine
Healing with Compassion
Written by Joan Bender
I've been feeling tension in my jaw the past couple of days. As I become aware, I relax my jaw muscles and breathe. I go about doing my work, and a little while later, I notice I'm clenching my jaw again. I relax my muscles and breathe. I notice now that I also have tension in my shoulders. Then, I feel a shooting pain in my ankle. I've been calling it an "anniversary ache," because it is around the anniversary of the time of its original injury, and it flairs up every year at this time. As I stop to hold my ankle, and send it some love, I realize that I'm holding tension in my leg too, and wonder, is my tension the source of the pain or a response to it? I notice that when I feel annoyed with this ankle pain, it seems to feed the pain response, and make it worse, but when I hold it, and feel compassion for myself and my injury, my body relaxes and pain eases. It may not ease completely, or it may just go away temporarily, and come back later looking for some more love.

Finding compassion isn't always easy. From what I hear from other women, they have a much easier time finding compassion for others than for themselves. So how does one find compassion? I can tell you what works for me. First, I quiet my mind. I do this by telling my mind it is time to be quiet for a few minutes. Then I turn my attention to my heart and breath. With each breath in and out, I imagine my heart space moving out further away from me. I imagine it is like a wave rippling out to the shore, and then going back into the ocean. Each time it goes out to the shore, it goes a little further. As I imagine this, I imagine sending this ripple of love and compassion to my aching body part, or to another person that I might be sending compassion to. If any thoughts pop into my head, I thank them for coming, and then let them go. If it is a really important thought, I ask it to return later, and believe it or not, it does. If it is a critical thought, I imagine it melting and transforming into the wave of love that is rippling outward.

By now, you are probably wondering how this could possibly work. Stress, tension, pain, and critical thoughts are all lower energy vibrations. Love, happiness, and compassion are higher energy vibrations. When we shift our energy, from a lower vibration to a higher vibration, we also shift our tension, pain and thoughts into a higher vibration. Just like with any new skill you cultivate, the more you practice, the easier and more natural it becomes. Try it. Let me know how it goes. I would love to hear from you.

Sparkle and Shine
Do You Feel Broken?

By Joan Bender

Do you feel broken? Have you been trying to fix yourself to no avail? Do you feel torn, tattered, scarred, empty, weak, not good enough, not thin enough, not toned enough, not smart enough, not successful enough or just not like yourself? Have you tried everything to feel better? Have you seen one practitioner, who refers you to another, who refers you to another? Does one practitioner fix something, and then a new symptom appears leading you to a new practitioner? Have you sampled almost every medical treatment and alternative health practice? Do you analyze every feeling, sensation and symptom trying to understand, label and fix it?

Well, you're not alone. I meet many women like you. In fact, I used to feel broken at times too. If you've checked everything out, tried everything, and you continue to feel broken, try some unconditional self love. I know, I've probably just lost some of you. You're ready to scroll on down to the next article as you send a few choice words in my direction. Some of you are thinking how will unconditional self love help me with my real problem or illness?  

Unconditional self love is not always easy. It is loving yourself with no strings attached. It is loving yourself no matter what you look like, what you’ve done or not done. It is sending love to the painful, broken, microorganism infected parts of you that drain your energy and your Soul. Many of us can love ourselves until we do something that doesn't meet our expectations, and then we criticize and doubt ourselves once again. Self criticism wears us down, lowers our vibration, and makes us feel even worse. It causes anxiety, depression and overall distress that not only affects us emotionally, but also physically.  On the other hand, unconditional self love comes from a place of non-judgment. It fills in the cracks, strengthens, brings in light, and raises our vibration, making us feel whole again. While self love may not be the miracle cure, it is an essential and often overlooked, piece of the healing puzzle.

How does one move from a place of self-criticism to a place of self-love? One of my favorite strategies is to say the following phrase whenever critical thoughts come in, “Although I'm feeling (fill in the blank), I truly love and accept myself exactly as I am in this moment.”  If you find yourself doubting this statement, say it again and again until your critical mind quiets. If your critical mind argues with you, start pointing out all of your positive attributes. Always ensure that the positives have the last word, and if needed, write down all of the positive things about yourself. You can also write love notes to yourself, and scatter them all around. Slip one in your purse, your glove compartment, your planner, kitchen cabinets or anywhere that you can rediscover them. You can even send them through the mail. Send yourself some love, and love yourself to health.

​Sparkle and Shine
Savor Life...Once Again
By Joan Bender

Savor  life. That has been my New Year's Resolution for the last few years, and I'm sticking with it again this year. In the past, setting resolutions didn’t work for me. They always seemed like a chore. They seemed like something that I “should” do, but really don't want to. They seem like things that required discipline or deprivation, and they made me feel like I had to fix things about myself. 
Like many people, I chose things to work on to better myself. I would start out strong for a day or two, and then it would be forgotten completely, and quite honestly, I didn't care, because I really didn't want to set a resolution anyway. I only did it, because it was what everyone else was doing, and I felt I "should" be doing it to. So how did I start savoring life?

It started following a couple of years of big losses. My mom was the first to go in December 2011. My Dad followed her four months later in April 2012, and then my Uncle had an unexpected, and tragic accident in September 2013. Losing our loved ones has a big impact on how we see ourselves and the world around us. For me, it opened my eyes to the fact that we are here on this big, beautiful earth to be happy, admire the beauty around us and enjoy the life we’ve been given.

It took me a couple of weeks of soul searching back in January 2015, but I finally found a resolution that makes me happy, and I have been savoring everything life has to offer since then.  It’s a resolution that I can be excited about and stand behind.  Of course, I occasionally get off track like everyone else, but when I do, I’m reminded of my resolution, and rather than feel like I have to fix something about myself, I start savoring.

I savor the moment as a way of keeping me from getting stuck in the past or worried about the future. I savor the beauty all around me- the trees, sky, sun, moon, stars, flowers, mountains, rivers, oceans, animals and all other man made and nature made things. I savor the time spent with my family, friends, clients and new acquaintances. I savor every bite that I eat and drink, whether it is a green smoothie or my favorite ice cream.  I taste every flavor, feel every texture, and connect with how every food I eat feels in my body. I savor my morning walks with my dog, and every stretch and pose in yoga class.  I savor my sleepy, lazy times without guilt. I savor every breath I take, and express gratitude for the beautiful life that has been given to me.
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Do you feel passionate about your new year’s resolution? If not, you can. Go ahead and change it. Really, you can. It's never too. It's your life. You make the rules. 
 jbenderwellness.com
New York, USA

Sparkle and Shine
Stand Your Ground
Written by Joan Bender

Do others sense your weakness? A couple of weeks ago, my husband threw a big stick and accidentally hit one of our chickens. She was momentarily knocked out , and when she came to, some of the other chickens sensed her weakness and attacked her. My husband quickly rescued her, and brought her into the house to heal. She appeared to have an injured leg and wing and couldn't stand or walk. What's even more interesting, is that our black lab, Grace, has been living side by side with our chicken, Pantera, for two weeks now without incident, and they have been home alone together while we are away all day.

Pantera got her name, because she is very loud, and makes harsh noises, just like the popular rock band. Since her injury, her voice has been very quiet and meek. At first, we didn't think Pantera would make it, but she appears to be on the mend. She has been standing and walking more, putting weight on her leg, and her voice has been getting stronger. We started involving her in the flock with our supervision to help her stand her ground. A couple of days ago, we returned Pantera to the coop full time. It hasn’t been easy for her. She has had to stand up for herself, and at times she retreats to be alone.

So why am I sharing this story? As I've been observing Pantera's healing, it reminds me of how we all have the ability to heal built into us and given to us by our Creator. This innate ability works when we are in a stress free environment, and where we don't feel the need to fight for our own survival. We haven’t given Pantera any medical treatment, only a warm, quiet, safe place to sleep and allow her body to mend itself. It also brings to mind how we sometimes "peck at" those who show weakness. Often it isn't a physical pecking, though sometimes it is. Often, it is more of a verbal pecking of criticism or put downs, and most often, we don't even realize we are doing it. It also shows that sometimes, our own flock can be the hardest on us, when we don't meet their expectations.  In addition, I wonder, when we have to stand up for ourselves, are we being called to show our strength to others or are we really being called to show our strength to ourselves?

As you continue on through life, remember Pantera's story and the messages it offers. Do you need to create a stress free environment to temporarily retreat to, for yourself or a loved one, so that healing can occur? Have you been pecking at someone or has someone been pecking at you? Are you being called upon to offer loving words and compassion or are you being called upon to show your strength somehow? Is seeing your own strength a necessary part of your healing?


Website: www.jbenderwellness.com
e-mail:  [email protected]
New York, USA

Sparkle & Shine
Look For The Light
By Joan Bender

What makes you light up, sparkle and shine? Is it music, art, writing, dance, family, work, being in
nature? We all have things that tap into our inner light and make us shine. As I sit to write this, I have
just completed two big milestones that have amped up my wattage. The first milestone is the
completion of my gluten free cookbook and the second is my 30th high school reunion. Wow, how
time flies. I've been trying to wrap my head around all of the time that has gone by.

I almost didn't go to my reunion. Seeing people that I haven't seen in 30 years seemed stressful. All kinds of thoughts went through my mind. Will people remember me? What will they remember about me? Will it be good or bad? Will I remember them? How will I be received after all of these years? I’m sure others felt this way too, because there were many classmates who were missing. I decided to go at the last minute, and I'm so grateful that I did.

I grew up in a small, blue collar city called, Beacon, New York. It was named this, because Mount Beacon was one of a chain of mountains in the Hudson Valley that was used to signal soldiers of British attack during the revolutionary war. If there was an impending attack, a fire would be lit on the mountain top which would then trigger a fire on the next mountain top, and so on. My parents were immigrants who settled there in the 1950's following growing up in Eastern Europe during World War II. I grew up on Liberty Street. There is no coincidence in that. When my parents arrived in the United States, they had a choice to live with relatives in New York City or relatives in Beacon. They chose Beacon, because Mount Beacon reminded them of the mountain range in their homeland, and because Beacon and Liberty Street are symbols of hope and freedom.

The reunion venue had the most beautiful view of Mount Beacon, and it felt good to be home. I had the best time reconnecting with friends from my childhood. Some of us started out together in kindergarten, and we graduated together from high school. I loved listening to people's stories, and noticing what topics made them light up. Some people lit up when they talked about their children or their pets. Others lit up when they talked about their careers. Others went a little dim when talking about their careers, but lit up when talking about their hobbies.

So I ask you, what is your beacon? What makes you light up? What brings you a sense of freedom and taps into your soul? I always try to make it a point to tell my clients when their light switches on. Look for the light in yourself and others, and do more of what makes you sparkle and shine.

www.jbenderwellness.com
[email protected]
New York, USA

Sparkle and Shine
Speak Your Truth
By Joan Bender

​Speak your truth. Stand up to adversaries. I sat down a couple of times to write this month's article. Each time I set an intention and sat in meditation. Each time these two themes came through, but nothing else. This last time, when I set my intention and let my mind go, I was taken back 30 years to eleventh grade English class and a day when I stood up for myself and spoke my truth.

My English teacher was a man with a sarcastic sense of humor.  He had a process where we would hand in our writing, and he would give it back to us with a grade and comments. Then, he would give us time in class to make corrections and resubmit it for a possible new grade. The problem, in my eyes, was that his comments were put downs rather than instructive feedback. Put downs hold us back. They deplete our soul's energy and stunt our creativity. I don't remember what my essay was about, but I do remember that on this particular day, I was fed up with his comments and decided I was going to let him know.  I'm not sure if it was his "yawn" comment or his "blah, blah, blah" comment that triggered my inner fire, but things started bubbling up from way down deep and I let loose.

I responded to his every comment and respectfully let him know that I would appreciate more constructive, instruction in the future. I can remember the satisfaction I felt, standing in my power and speaking up to this bully. I also remember feeling a little scared, not knowing what his reaction might be and what consequences were to come. I was trapped in this relationship, and he had the power to make my life miserable.  I decided that I should probably prepare my mother for what might come. 

My mother reacted exactly as I thought she would. She was mortified. In her eyes, I was disrespectful to an elder, and she didn't raise me to be disrespectful. My mother grew up in Europe during World War II where speaking up against abusive power could lead to dire consequences. Here again, I stood in my power and spoke my truth, this time to my mother. I explained that my teacher would receive my respect once he was respectful toward me. Oh, I can still see the tormented look on my mother's face, shifting back and forth between proud and worried.

​When I returned to English class, something had shifted. To my surprise, my teacher admired that I stood up for myself. I was treated different from that day on. His comments became more positive and constructive, and I gained greater respect for speaking my truth. Words are powerful. They can build us up, or they can tear us down.  We always have the choice to speak our truth, and we always have the choice to use loving words.

​Written by Joan Bender
Website: www.jbenderwellness.com
e-mail:  [email protected]
New York, USA

How do you start your day? Do you drag yourself out of bed, startled by the intrusive sound of the alarm clock, eyes half closed, barely feeling your feet on the ground? Do you end your day in a similar way, dragging yourself back to bed, exhausted from the day and regretful that you couldn't knock one more thing off of your to do list or with your thoughts already living in the next day?

So many people live their lives this way and it can wear us down quickly. I fall into these habits sometimes too, but over the past couple of years, I have been starting and ending my day by setting intentions, and it has been a game changer, not only for me, but for many of my clients as well. Setting an intention is different than a to do list. It is a way of setting your tone for the day or night, and it gives you something to return to when you feel yourself getting off track.

In the morning, before getting out if bed, I set my intention for the day. One of my favorites goes something like this: Today, I will move through the day with grace and ease. This helps me to start the day on a positive note, feeling confident about how I will approach things that come up. As the day progresses and I find myself out of alignment with my intention, I remind myself of my intention and I think about whether I am approaching obstacles with ease, or if I am contributing to resistance. If things feel hard or difficult, I pause to examine what I'm doing, and how I can proceed along the path of least resistance.

At bedtime, I set another intention for my sleep and dream life. I try to remember to take a moment to write my intention in my dream journal and then upon waking, jot down any dreams that I remember. As I drift off to sleep, I rest my hands on my heart and set an intention for how I want my slumber to go. Some of my favorites are intentions for a dream to help with a problem, a healing dream, or restorative sleep. I also add a statement about how I want to feel in the morning when I awake. Doing this has helped me to appreciate and value my sleep and dream life and helped me to feel as if I am a more active participant in my dreams.
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Try for a week to set intentions like these and notice the impact. I have heard from others that setting an intention in the morning, has helped to improve their mood throughout the day, has helped them look forward to the day ahead rather than feel stressed out about it, and helped them to feel more in control of their lives.

​www.jbenderwellness.com
[email protected]
New York, USA